Program Memupuk Kasih

Program Brochure states: A Remarriage Preparation Programme for couples for whom at least one partner is remarrying.

I did not know this exists until a fellow friend also just went through a remarrige. She told me it made sense for those who are remarrying to go through this wedding prep course as it is pitched at whole different level altogether. Obviously I went to the ‘usual’ kursus rumahtangga and..like most people who went through that, we would be like thinking in our heads, “oooh…I so would do this…and that…and yahhh we should do this…and that”…needless to say, a very idealistic approach towards marriage. And trust me…barely a year into the marriage, we would have forgotten nearly half of what was said.

But with  this, some of the issues resonated with us and some of it is like a slap to your faces when you realised that was the MISTAKE that you did when you were in the previous marriage. Of course not all who came was due to divorces. There were a number of those whose spouse had passed on. It was definitely interesting to see the different groupings they divided us into:

– Wanita yang bercerai mati

– Wanita yang bercerai hidup 

– Wanita yang single

– Lelaki yang bercerai mati

– Lelaki yang bercerai hidup

– Lelaki yang single

And from the categories, it was really2 insightful to see the different responses that each group came up with as within each group, the experiences are nearly all the same throughout within each group. And we get to hear for ourselves the other parties’ preference and opinions on a certain issue which otherwise we may not be aware of.

One of the topics that they brought up was Disciplining the Children – whose responsibility must it be? Or the issue of muhrim/mahram. Then how about the issue of grandparents having a sense of entitlement to the children. There are so many issues that were so direct that we were forced to think and think about repercussions. At some points of time, I actually felt ashamed at how I handled certain issues in the past. Indeed there are many other issues for couples in a remarriage. And if any one would ask for my opinion, definitely I would recommend them to go for this course.

Unfortunately, not many know of the existence of this course and so they go for the ‘normal’ course and some I heard did not even go at all. PPIS (Persatuan Pemudi Islam Singapura) is a non-profit organisation dedicated to working with women of all ages in carrying out their multiple roles and they too the initiative to set up a community for Stepfamilies. So when a couple decide to enter a remarriage, if either one who has a child of an age who already understands the situation, the children can participate in camps where they bond over other children with similar backgrounds and there will be dialogues and counselling session to create an awareness on how the new family arrangement would be.

In my line of work, I have seen so many children in stepfamilies/remarriages that have been neglected whether physically or mentally as the parent concentrate more on the new spouse or new children. Often children were left alone or forced to ‘understand’ the situation. It can get ugly if not managed properly. Hence I really applaud PPIS’s Vista Sakinah for taking the initiative to create this awareness and taking appropriate preventive steps such as:

Stepparenting Workshop – Workshops on ways of effectively engaging and parenting children/stepchildren after a remarriage.

Keluarga Xtra – Workshop developed specially to help children understand and cope with parental remarriage.

Parent Support Group or Jalinan Mawaddah – Brings remarrying couples together to find mutual support in coping with the challenges of remarriage.

But ultimately, it is the parents who have to take this first step to make it happen.

As you all know, I have two girls. But at such a young age, they know what kind of families they have. I have always encouraged them to be open about it. For example, whenever they have a show and tell or drawing of family tree, I will always ensure they include the 2 different sets of family  and my eldest is proud to claim she has 3 sisters under her. Though of course the friction between me and my ex will always be there, we try our best not to rub it off on our children. And I am pleasantly satisfied that K and my ex’s wife make it cordial.

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Update 3rd January 2014:

Our recent pic when our eldest enrolled in Primary 1

First New Family Pic

Our very first family pic featuring both sides of the parents and siblings (though not all are in the picture) It was great having them around ^_^

The Merisik Day

The day finally came where both families met to kenal2-merisik-finalize all in one meeting. Before this, we were apprehensive about letting both families meet partly because of my status, and hmm… I think mostly because of my status. I wasn’t comfortable also because in my previous marriage, both sides of the family got to know each side so well that it kind of get a little too close for comfort. And that was where the cracks started to begin. I guess, and I discussed at length with K that I would rather both sides maintain a cordial relationship to maintain that respect and exclusivity.

Three weeks before, K brought his folks out and explained to them my situation and our plans. Needless to say, I’m tremendously relieved that his folks were quite open about it. I guess I had fretted and worried over nothing at all! I mean, I’m comfortable being a single mother to two beautiful munchkins but reality is, I do need a man to guide my family. And having K in my life changed my perception on certain ideals and values.

So…now K’s family have met my folks and my sister (as well as her brood of four in tow) and they finally met Ayumi and Tiara. It was very amusing the way they were first ushered into the house when the girls called out to K loudly, ‘Daddy’! Of course K’s family teased him quite a bit.

Throughout the whole ‘convo’, it sounded very serious and I was super afraid that my dad would demand the impossible (knowing him too well here) but I’m glad that at the end of the night, it went pretty well and yeah, we can’t wait till June 2013!